So this is 22...

Really? My birthday was so exciting that I don't even know what to say about it. The most exciting thing for me (aside from being able to spend the whole day with Eric) was finally being able to go twoskees. This is what my life has become. Happy 22nd Birthday, I hope you enjoy being an adult with real adult things to deal with.

The Surgery

Here's the story, for all you nosy Nellies out there who just have to know what's going on.
After our lovely trip to Tucson, it was time to make some tough choices. We called the doctor as soon as the office opened at 8:30 and they were originally going to schedule us at 2:15. Eric saw my eyes widen and said "well if you need us to come in sooner, just let us know and we'll be down there as soon as necessary." Amazingly enough, they were able to squeeze us in at 11 instead. Shocking. We got to the doctor and here were our choices: D&C or wait. Considering I've technically been "waiting" for 5 weeks (of course I had no idea) and NOTHING had come about, I wasn't too keen on the idea of waiting. Emotionally, knowing what's going on and just sitting around waiting for it to happen ... I would not have been able to function AT ALL until it did. So, we went with the surgery. A "simple" procedure that takes about 30 minutes. Plus, I got to sleep. Sleep is good. (I'm somehow trying to find the positive in all of this...). I hadn't been able to eat, or felt like drinking anything, so I didn't have to wait for the surgery. She got us in at 5:30, but we had to be there at 3:30. We went to my moms after and I got to watch everyone eat (but I didn't mind because I wasn't hungry anyway). My mom came with us to the hospital which I really appreciate a ton :) I love my mommy.
It's pathetic that the hospital already has my records... This was my third visit there since December. The prep wasn't bad. We got the sluggish CNA that was confused as heck as to what she was supposed to do. She made me pee in a cup... then when I got back to our room I hear "OH NO! We don't need her pee pee" Wow... thanks! Remember how I DIDN'T drink anything ALL DAY. Yeah... that was a special treat. I was a little worried to let her start my IV, but what was I gonna do. The RN was busy asking me questions and discovering that I'm healthy ... except for my uterus, but apparently that doesn't really count as a health issue. So many people asked if this was our first pregnancy, and so many people needed to be corrected when they said "so you have a baby at home" when we said "no it's our second." Knife, heart, twist, remove, pour salt. Thanks guys. Thanks. The sad part is, the first time we lost a baby, we found out in THEIR ER... you would think it would be in a record somewhere. Gosh I love hospitals and charts.... It's like they don't even matter. As long as they have the person and the procedure right, nothing else matters.
Anywho, the doctor was late, of course. So I talked to the anesthesiologist first. I don't remember what she said. Something about I'm going to sleep and I think I tuned it out from there. Then I heard "breathing tube" and "make sure you wake up" and I started to freak out maybe a little bit. Okay a lot. But I trust people, especially doctors. Our doctor finally showed up and we were "ready to roll." They gave me the anesthetics before they even wheeled me off! As we're rolling down the hall I was getting dizzy and trying to stay awake because I wanted to be able to remember stuff. But shoot, that stuff works really well. All I remember is some nice warm blankets around my legs (my feet were freezing, even with the socks) and getting monitors stuck on me. I vaguely recall getting moved to the other bed, but other than that I was OUT. Apparently I was so out, that they couldn't wake me up afterwards. They shook me good to get me to come to so they could make sure I was breathing on my own again and I was okay. The doctor asked Eric how well I slept the night before, that's how out of it I was. I slept for a good hour before the anesthesia really wore off. I could feel on my lip where they taped the breathing tube down, I kind of have a fat lip right there. Our Post-OP nurse was awesome. He was Filipino (I'm pretty sure that's what he said) and had a really cool accent. He told all kinds of stories about his family and his sister who has an inverted uterus and wasn't even trying to have kids because she didn't think she could and then BAM she had one, when she was 35. Kind of a miracle! I like hearing about miracles, someday I'll get to experience that.
So, now I'm home! We had some issues with the pharmacy yesterday though. The doctor wrote a script for some sleeping pills and tylenol 3. Unfortunately, the sleeping pills she prescribed were "kind of old" and Target didn't carry them, and they wouldn't be in until Monday! So, we got a new prescription rather than hunting it down at another pharmacy and getting it transfered over from Target. Not something I wanted to deal with RIGHT BEFORE a procedure like this. I swear, the pharmacist took forever and we were a few minutes late. It didn't matter though, because remember, they have ALL of my info in the system at the hospital. I'm looking forward to getting frequent patient miles or something from that place. Point of this story: the anesthetics wore off and I woke up every couple hours. Then, at 4, I woke up for good. Good morning world, at least I'll get to see the sunrise.

This here is what I call bull... you know what

We're here, at Hotel Congress, trying to take our minds off the heartbreaking news we got today about our second little angel. It's almost 1am and this town is just coming to life... Eric is on the bed sleeping, but I failed to bring Tylenol PM. I guess I somehow forgot that I wouldn't be able to get any sleep. I probably won't be able to get unaided sleep for weeks. At least, that's what happened last time we went through this.
For those of you who don't pay attention to your facebook/twitter/gossip around the workplace, we went to the doctor today rather than Monday. I woke up to the most ... frightening thing anyone who has been through this before could wake up to. It wasn't much. But the sight of it breaks you. You feel defeated. You feel like a failure. I still went in, having little hope that we would be getting positive news. Eric called the doctor for me because, let's face it, they wouldn't have been able to understand a word that was coming out of my mouth. I wasn't about to deal with "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" Our doctor wasn't in the office, but I didn't care. I needed to see someone, anyone, that could tell me something, anything. We got an appointment at 10:30. When we got there, they had some "prenatal care" paperwork they needed us to fill out. The whole time I was writing I thought to myself, "can they just have us do this later? I don't want to fill this all out just to have it thrown out..." I know, I'm such a little miss sunshine. But hell, I've been here before. I think you can cut me some slack.
The doctor tried. He tried really hard to find us a heartbeat. He tried to give us some hope. "I thought I heard it over here..." then "Well, rather than get frustrated with it, we might as well get you an ultrasound." I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. I had this feeling for weeks... Everyone told me to stop worrying. Nothing was wrong. Our baby was healthy. And they were right, if they said it within the first six weeks I was pregnant. The baby WAS healthy, then. Or maybe, it wasn't. Well, obviously it wasn't. We got squeezed in for an ultrasound.
"Wow, that bladder is full!" Big shock... I drank two bottles of water. Even though I peed 500 times to see if it was still happening, if it would clear up, if it was all in my head, my bladder was still full. I was forced to empty and then we got the "special" ultrasound. You know, the kind with the wand... The kind they SHOULDN'T have to use at 11 weeks. We heard nothing. We saw nothing. "Dr H said he would be in here... I thought he would be right behind me..." Then, he popped his head in. "Is that a fetal pole?" ... Did I really just hear him say fetal pole? Excuse me... "You're absolutely certain you're 11 weeks?" Yes pretty ultrasound technician, I'm a responsible adult who keeps track of things like this because I want to have a baby. I want to have a HEALTHY baby. I want to have a LIVING baby. So Yes, I'm sure. "Well, it's measuring 9 weeks." Crushed. All hope, lost. All hope was lost when I heard the words "fetal pole" come out of the doctors mouth. Our little angel was measuring at 6 weeks with a gestational sac that measured 9 weeks. No heartbeat. No flicker of hope.
So we were told to "come back tomorrow" and "discuss our options with our regular doctor." I personally liked this Dr H guy and would have been perfectly fine with discussing options right then and there. If I have anything to say about it, there WILL be testing. This is the second baby we have lost at 6 weeks. 2 losses in 4 months. Something is obviously wrong. We're young. We're healthy. What the hell is going on here? I need answers. I need solid, scientific, medical answers. Don't tell me any of this hopeful religious anything. I need an answer that I understand. I can't understand, at least right now, not today, why God would do this. Why does he keep taking babies? Why is the world so ass backwards? Why to crack heads and 16 year old girls get pregnant and bring home babies with ease? I don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me.

Because I Can...

Well, I'm supposed to be working on my sustainability project, but I just can't focus. I'm making this poster that shows water conditions in third world countries vs developed countries. Then I'm going to put a bunch of statistics and facts on it and a big thing that says "CLEAN WATER IS A HUMAN RIGHT" Hopefully I do alright on it... I really need to get an A in my Bio class... I started writing the paper and it's already half way done, and it's not even due until Thursday. We'll see. I think this week will go by quickly, at least until Friday. Tomorrow I have a test in Calc, my project is due as well. Then Wednesday night after work I have this thing for my english class and probably a bajillion hours worth of homework. Thursday is filled with class... then it will be Friday. Friday-Sunday are going to DRAG. Then, Monday is our next doctor's appointment. I am really hoping and praying that I'm just dumb and don't know how to use my doppler, or I just can't find our little one. I'm sort of (not really but sort of) freaked out that I have yet to hear a heartbeat. Come on Rex, be loud and proud on the 12th!

How far along? 10 weeks 5 days
Weight gain/loss: The scale should be here sometime this week. I don't really want to get on it
Maternity clothes? Nothing yet
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep? Not really... I wish
Best moment this week? Eric touching my belly for an extended period of time.
Movement: Nothing yet. The babe is still really small silly goose.
Food cravings: Anything that smells/sounds good... which is basically everything
Gender: No idea yet. We might get a little guess next week.
Belly button in or out? Still in.
What I miss? My hip bones. Where did they go?
What I am looking forward to? Next week. It can't come soon enough
Milestones: Made it to double digit weeks. My previous statement still stands, every day I am still pregnant is a milestone.
What I'm nervous about: Our appointment next week. Please be healthy little one.

Here's me, trying to be optimistic

Eric and I found out on February 12th that we are expecting! We were trying to keep it quiet until we saw our little dinosaur on an ultrasound, but it somehow got out to the whole world. Here's hoping everything works out and I don't have to untell the world...

How far along? 9 weeks 3 days
Weight gain/loss: No clue. I don't go back to the doctor for another 2 weeks and we don't have a scale... My pants don't fit right and I have gone a notch (almost two) bigger on my belt, but that, my friends, is baby bloat.
Maternity clothes? I bought some nice nike capri workout pants that are elastic in the waist. I don't think I'll be brave enough to buy maternity clothes until I know Rex will continue to grow
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep? Yes, please!
Best moment this week? The one day I felt sick.
Movement: Not yet. But I think every now and then the baby presses on a nerve or something because I feel a pinch
Food cravings: I see food, I crave it
Gender: No idea.
Belly button in or out? Still in.
What I miss? My symptoms... Nausea mostly. It was the only thing keeping me sane...
What I am looking forward to? April 12th... and then April 16th. Hopefully everything is great
Milestones: Making it past 6 weeks... then 7... and 8... Every day is a milestone to me
What I'm nervous about: Another loss.

Sensitivity Training 101

I know by posting about our recent loss, I opened the door for insensitivity and really shouldn't be surprised. But somehow I am and I figure it's time to set things straight. I don't want anyone that has tried to make me feel better to feel like they did something wrong, this is more for those people who fail to recognize my loss... or use it to their advantage. First and foremost, if you are a parent and your daughter/son have experienced the loss of a baby (regardless of it being born or not) it is NOT okay to totally ignore that it happened. All I ask for is a simple "how are you doing?" You don't have to ask me about it, you don't have to try to make me feel better, just show that you care about me. Second, if you are thinking that you may be experiencing a loss, CALL A DOCTOR. Or google it... Don't ask ME what it was like... I don't want to share the gory details of my loss with you. There are so many resources online that give you wonderful information about when you should start to be concerned... And usually you shouldn't be concerned until you have these symptoms AFTER getting a positive pregnancy test. Just sayin'.
I'm a door mat. I let people do this to me ... I pretend that everything is alright and that I would love nothing more than to share my not so wonderful experience with someone who thinks maybe they might be experiencing the same thing. It is not fun. It is not something I want to tell you all about a few weeks after it happened. It's much easier to type out the details than to hear yourself say things. I still cry when I have to tell people that we "lost the baby." Hearing it come out of my mouth hurts way more than thinking about it.
Unfortunately, no one understands how it feels unless they experience it first hand. I wish that upon no one. It is not something I want you to know first hand. But hopefully this helps give you a little understanding... maybe...

I guess it's been a while

I'm afraid to even look at my blog and see how long it's been since I have posted anything... Oh right, August...

Well, life has been rather exciting since then, I think. Mostly November-Now has been interesting. I was sick for a while. First I had the flu, then I had a cold, then I had laryngitis. The week I found out I had laryngitis was also the week I found out I was pregnant. (Don't get too excited yet...) I went to the ER after a work related incident, we'll just refer to that as "The Incident," you don't really need to hear the details. Before the doctor could prescribe me any pain medicine, he made me pee in a cup. Well, I was told I could only take tylenol because there was an embryo in there. That was a pretty exciting day for us. We went to Shannon's house warming party that night and just couldn't stop being the happy knocked up couple. The next week was Christmas, how exciting.

Christmas eve was GREAT. I say that with a LOT of sarcasm. We went to my dad's for dinner. I told him two weeks before that Eric was closing so we wouldn't be there until 6:30 or so to which he said "We're thinking 6 for dinner anyway" Great! So for a whole two weeks I thought everything was going to work out. Two days before he sends me a text and says "dinner is at 5" Thanks... I'll be sure we're there to eat the cold food... or what's left of it.

The next day was Christmas. I had been spotting the day before which I kept reading was normal... it's normal it's normal I need to relax. Well, Christmas morning it turned from brown to red .. :-/ So we went over to my mom's really early because I needed to keep my mind of it. It was only a little bit... We had a fantastic day with the family despite my constant worry that something was wrong in my uterus. Eventually I lost it and started crying on my mom. I hate crying, especially in front of my family... or anyone for that matter. UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!! When we got home I discovered that it was probably over... the week of excitement had come to an end... I will spare you the gory details, but I was pretty certain that it was NOT normal.

The next day, Eric went to work but I was an emotional mess and stayed home. I cried myself to sleep and I cried myself awake that day... I called my mom and told her what was going on and she came over to be with me. Then, I had her take me to the ER so I could get checked out. Ugh I cried and then I cried some more. They did an exam, blood work, and ultrasounds. It was the longest wait ever. I was continually told by the medical professionals that it was nothing either of us did... before we even had a solid answer. After about two hours or more of waiting the doctor finally came back. I heard him outside the room ask if this was his "little girl." I thought it was cute that everyone in the hospital thought I was a little too young to be pregnant... They asked how old I was so many times... LOOK AT THE DAMN CHART I'M 21! AND I'M MARRIED! Anyway...

He came in and gave me the news. My hCG was "barely positive" and the ultrasounds were completely negative... So either my dates were really off (I'm a psycho about aunt flow and I ALWAYS Know when she was here last) or we most likely lost the baby. Again, it was nothing either of us did. I was encouraged to keep my OB appointment that I had scheduled for 4 days later to have them run another blood test to make sure my hCG was going down. For the next four days I cried a lot... and I thought to myself, maybe they missed something? Maybe the tests were wrong?? I'm sure any woman who has experienced this has had the same thoughts. Well, I went to the doctor on that Tuesday and I guess the doctor in the ER didn't do anything wrong. Except he didn't tell me that my hCG was only 8... For those of you who don't know about hCG, it's a pregnancy hormone. Anything above 5 is considered positive. This is the hormone that your pee sticks are detecting. hCG levels are supposed to double every 48 hours. So, mine should have been MUCH higher at 6 weeks pregnant. Maybe because I looked so young the doctor thought I was only 6 minutes pregnant... I'll spare the gory details of the OB appointment... but she did run the blood test. The next day I got the call that my hCG had gone down to 2, so I guess my body was doing the right thing. Yay? We were told to wait one cycle to try again... so here we are waiting... It's agonizing. I don't think I've ever been this anxious for aunt flow to visit...

Other than that... our lives have been uneventful.

Jessi and I are planning a super secret trip for our mom in March! We are super excited for it... But we're not telling you where we're going ;)