We're here, at Hotel Congress, trying to take our minds off the heartbreaking news we got today about our second little angel. It's almost 1am and this town is just coming to life... Eric is on the bed sleeping, but I failed to bring Tylenol PM. I guess I somehow forgot that I wouldn't be able to get any sleep. I probably won't be able to get unaided sleep for weeks. At least, that's what happened last time we went through this.
For those of you who don't pay attention to your facebook/twitter/gossip around the workplace, we went to the doctor today rather than Monday. I woke up to the most ... frightening thing anyone who has been through this before could wake up to. It wasn't much. But the sight of it breaks you. You feel defeated. You feel like a failure. I still went in, having little hope that we would be getting positive news. Eric called the doctor for me because, let's face it, they wouldn't have been able to understand a word that was coming out of my mouth. I wasn't about to deal with "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" Our doctor wasn't in the office, but I didn't care. I needed to see someone, anyone, that could tell me something, anything. We got an appointment at 10:30. When we got there, they had some "prenatal care" paperwork they needed us to fill out. The whole time I was writing I thought to myself, "can they just have us do this later? I don't want to fill this all out just to have it thrown out..." I know, I'm such a little miss sunshine. But hell, I've been here before. I think you can cut me some slack.
The doctor tried. He tried really hard to find us a heartbeat. He tried to give us some hope. "I thought I heard it over here..." then "Well, rather than get frustrated with it, we might as well get you an ultrasound." I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. I had this feeling for weeks... Everyone told me to stop worrying. Nothing was wrong. Our baby was healthy. And they were right, if they said it within the first six weeks I was pregnant. The baby WAS healthy, then. Or maybe, it wasn't. Well, obviously it wasn't. We got squeezed in for an ultrasound.
"Wow, that bladder is full!" Big shock... I drank two bottles of water. Even though I peed 500 times to see if it was still happening, if it would clear up, if it was all in my head, my bladder was still full. I was forced to empty and then we got the "special" ultrasound. You know, the kind with the wand... The kind they SHOULDN'T have to use at 11 weeks. We heard nothing. We saw nothing. "Dr H said he would be in here... I thought he would be right behind me..." Then, he popped his head in. "Is that a fetal pole?" ... Did I really just hear him say fetal pole? Excuse me... "You're absolutely certain you're 11 weeks?" Yes pretty ultrasound technician, I'm a responsible adult who keeps track of things like this because I want to have a baby. I want to have a HEALTHY baby. I want to have a LIVING baby. So Yes, I'm sure. "Well, it's measuring 9 weeks." Crushed. All hope, lost. All hope was lost when I heard the words "fetal pole" come out of the doctors mouth. Our little angel was measuring at 6 weeks with a gestational sac that measured 9 weeks. No heartbeat. No flicker of hope.
So we were told to "come back tomorrow" and "discuss our options with our regular doctor." I personally liked this Dr H guy and would have been perfectly fine with discussing options right then and there. If I have anything to say about it, there WILL be testing. This is the second baby we have lost at 6 weeks. 2 losses in 4 months. Something is obviously wrong. We're young. We're healthy. What the hell is going on here? I need answers. I need solid, scientific, medical answers. Don't tell me any of this hopeful religious anything. I need an answer that I understand. I can't understand, at least right now, not today, why God would do this. Why does he keep taking babies? Why is the world so ass backwards? Why to crack heads and 16 year old girls get pregnant and bring home babies with ease? I don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me.
2 comments:
My heart is truely breaking for you. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. All I can say is that I really hope you get the answers you are looking and that I hope you soon are able to have the child you and your husband both want so much. I'm sorry...I really really am.
Valeri, I don't have any answers for you. Religious or Medical. I'm not sure why God sometimes does what he does. But there is one thing I do know, Love. The love God has for you, the love Skyler and Mckenna and I have for you, the love your family has for you, the love your future children have for you, and the love your wonderful husband has for you. If there is one thing on this horrible, messed up earth I know, it's love. I don't know all that much about it even, but I know what it does, and can do. Just hang in there sweetheart. I know you can do this.
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