Sensitivity Training 101

I know by posting about our recent loss, I opened the door for insensitivity and really shouldn't be surprised. But somehow I am and I figure it's time to set things straight. I don't want anyone that has tried to make me feel better to feel like they did something wrong, this is more for those people who fail to recognize my loss... or use it to their advantage. First and foremost, if you are a parent and your daughter/son have experienced the loss of a baby (regardless of it being born or not) it is NOT okay to totally ignore that it happened. All I ask for is a simple "how are you doing?" You don't have to ask me about it, you don't have to try to make me feel better, just show that you care about me. Second, if you are thinking that you may be experiencing a loss, CALL A DOCTOR. Or google it... Don't ask ME what it was like... I don't want to share the gory details of my loss with you. There are so many resources online that give you wonderful information about when you should start to be concerned... And usually you shouldn't be concerned until you have these symptoms AFTER getting a positive pregnancy test. Just sayin'.
I'm a door mat. I let people do this to me ... I pretend that everything is alright and that I would love nothing more than to share my not so wonderful experience with someone who thinks maybe they might be experiencing the same thing. It is not fun. It is not something I want to tell you all about a few weeks after it happened. It's much easier to type out the details than to hear yourself say things. I still cry when I have to tell people that we "lost the baby." Hearing it come out of my mouth hurts way more than thinking about it.
Unfortunately, no one understands how it feels unless they experience it first hand. I wish that upon no one. It is not something I want you to know first hand. But hopefully this helps give you a little understanding... maybe...

I guess it's been a while

I'm afraid to even look at my blog and see how long it's been since I have posted anything... Oh right, August...

Well, life has been rather exciting since then, I think. Mostly November-Now has been interesting. I was sick for a while. First I had the flu, then I had a cold, then I had laryngitis. The week I found out I had laryngitis was also the week I found out I was pregnant. (Don't get too excited yet...) I went to the ER after a work related incident, we'll just refer to that as "The Incident," you don't really need to hear the details. Before the doctor could prescribe me any pain medicine, he made me pee in a cup. Well, I was told I could only take tylenol because there was an embryo in there. That was a pretty exciting day for us. We went to Shannon's house warming party that night and just couldn't stop being the happy knocked up couple. The next week was Christmas, how exciting.

Christmas eve was GREAT. I say that with a LOT of sarcasm. We went to my dad's for dinner. I told him two weeks before that Eric was closing so we wouldn't be there until 6:30 or so to which he said "We're thinking 6 for dinner anyway" Great! So for a whole two weeks I thought everything was going to work out. Two days before he sends me a text and says "dinner is at 5" Thanks... I'll be sure we're there to eat the cold food... or what's left of it.

The next day was Christmas. I had been spotting the day before which I kept reading was normal... it's normal it's normal I need to relax. Well, Christmas morning it turned from brown to red .. :-/ So we went over to my mom's really early because I needed to keep my mind of it. It was only a little bit... We had a fantastic day with the family despite my constant worry that something was wrong in my uterus. Eventually I lost it and started crying on my mom. I hate crying, especially in front of my family... or anyone for that matter. UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!! When we got home I discovered that it was probably over... the week of excitement had come to an end... I will spare you the gory details, but I was pretty certain that it was NOT normal.

The next day, Eric went to work but I was an emotional mess and stayed home. I cried myself to sleep and I cried myself awake that day... I called my mom and told her what was going on and she came over to be with me. Then, I had her take me to the ER so I could get checked out. Ugh I cried and then I cried some more. They did an exam, blood work, and ultrasounds. It was the longest wait ever. I was continually told by the medical professionals that it was nothing either of us did... before we even had a solid answer. After about two hours or more of waiting the doctor finally came back. I heard him outside the room ask if this was his "little girl." I thought it was cute that everyone in the hospital thought I was a little too young to be pregnant... They asked how old I was so many times... LOOK AT THE DAMN CHART I'M 21! AND I'M MARRIED! Anyway...

He came in and gave me the news. My hCG was "barely positive" and the ultrasounds were completely negative... So either my dates were really off (I'm a psycho about aunt flow and I ALWAYS Know when she was here last) or we most likely lost the baby. Again, it was nothing either of us did. I was encouraged to keep my OB appointment that I had scheduled for 4 days later to have them run another blood test to make sure my hCG was going down. For the next four days I cried a lot... and I thought to myself, maybe they missed something? Maybe the tests were wrong?? I'm sure any woman who has experienced this has had the same thoughts. Well, I went to the doctor on that Tuesday and I guess the doctor in the ER didn't do anything wrong. Except he didn't tell me that my hCG was only 8... For those of you who don't know about hCG, it's a pregnancy hormone. Anything above 5 is considered positive. This is the hormone that your pee sticks are detecting. hCG levels are supposed to double every 48 hours. So, mine should have been MUCH higher at 6 weeks pregnant. Maybe because I looked so young the doctor thought I was only 6 minutes pregnant... I'll spare the gory details of the OB appointment... but she did run the blood test. The next day I got the call that my hCG had gone down to 2, so I guess my body was doing the right thing. Yay? We were told to wait one cycle to try again... so here we are waiting... It's agonizing. I don't think I've ever been this anxious for aunt flow to visit...

Other than that... our lives have been uneventful.

Jessi and I are planning a super secret trip for our mom in March! We are super excited for it... But we're not telling you where we're going ;)