1) For us, trying to get pregnant means not preventing (ie: no birth control... or those other things). We're not trying too hard or over thinking it...
2) Eric is more than just a sperm donor.
3) There is nothing wrong with being educated about pregnancy.
4) We didn't lose our babies because we "weren't relaxed" or "didn't enjoy it" or whatever else people might say
5) Most people don't get over a loss in a week. (I can honestly say I'm still not "over" our loss in December)
6) I still love babies.
7) I'm not upset that YOU'RE pregnant; I'm upset that I'm not.
Just had to clear some stuff up for people...
In other news, school is almost over for me! Two weeks from today I get to take all of my finals and then I'm free. Never again will I take 16 credits and work full time. Never. Again. I also applied for a new position within the company; I interviewed Friday and I'll be hearing about it on May 3rd. Eric is still working away on his model boat and it looks fantastic! He is also doing very well in school, maintaining his 4.0. I am so proud of him :)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
So this is 22...
Really? My birthday was so exciting that I don't even know what to say about it. The most exciting thing for me (aside from being able to spend the whole day with Eric) was finally being able to go twoskees. This is what my life has become. Happy 22nd Birthday, I hope you enjoy being an adult with real adult things to deal with.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Surgery
Here's the story, for all you nosy Nellies out there who just have to know what's going on.
After our lovely trip to Tucson, it was time to make some tough choices. We called the doctor as soon as the office opened at 8:30 and they were originally going to schedule us at 2:15. Eric saw my eyes widen and said "well if you need us to come in sooner, just let us know and we'll be down there as soon as necessary." Amazingly enough, they were able to squeeze us in at 11 instead. Shocking. We got to the doctor and here were our choices: D&C or wait. Considering I've technically been "waiting" for 5 weeks (of course I had no idea) and NOTHING had come about, I wasn't too keen on the idea of waiting. Emotionally, knowing what's going on and just sitting around waiting for it to happen ... I would not have been able to function AT ALL until it did. So, we went with the surgery. A "simple" procedure that takes about 30 minutes. Plus, I got to sleep. Sleep is good. (I'm somehow trying to find the positive in all of this...). I hadn't been able to eat, or felt like drinking anything, so I didn't have to wait for the surgery. She got us in at 5:30, but we had to be there at 3:30. We went to my moms after and I got to watch everyone eat (but I didn't mind because I wasn't hungry anyway). My mom came with us to the hospital which I really appreciate a ton :) I love my mommy.
It's pathetic that the hospital already has my records... This was my third visit there since December. The prep wasn't bad. We got the sluggish CNA that was confused as heck as to what she was supposed to do. She made me pee in a cup... then when I got back to our room I hear "OH NO! We don't need her pee pee" Wow... thanks! Remember how I DIDN'T drink anything ALL DAY. Yeah... that was a special treat. I was a little worried to let her start my IV, but what was I gonna do. The RN was busy asking me questions and discovering that I'm healthy ... except for my uterus, but apparently that doesn't really count as a health issue. So many people asked if this was our first pregnancy, and so many people needed to be corrected when they said "so you have a baby at home" when we said "no it's our second." Knife, heart, twist, remove, pour salt. Thanks guys. Thanks. The sad part is, the first time we lost a baby, we found out in THEIR ER... you would think it would be in a record somewhere. Gosh I love hospitals and charts.... It's like they don't even matter. As long as they have the person and the procedure right, nothing else matters.
Anywho, the doctor was late, of course. So I talked to the anesthesiologist first. I don't remember what she said. Something about I'm going to sleep and I think I tuned it out from there. Then I heard "breathing tube" and "make sure you wake up" and I started to freak out maybe a little bit. Okay a lot. But I trust people, especially doctors. Our doctor finally showed up and we were "ready to roll." They gave me the anesthetics before they even wheeled me off! As we're rolling down the hall I was getting dizzy and trying to stay awake because I wanted to be able to remember stuff. But shoot, that stuff works really well. All I remember is some nice warm blankets around my legs (my feet were freezing, even with the socks) and getting monitors stuck on me. I vaguely recall getting moved to the other bed, but other than that I was OUT. Apparently I was so out, that they couldn't wake me up afterwards. They shook me good to get me to come to so they could make sure I was breathing on my own again and I was okay. The doctor asked Eric how well I slept the night before, that's how out of it I was. I slept for a good hour before the anesthesia really wore off. I could feel on my lip where they taped the breathing tube down, I kind of have a fat lip right there. Our Post-OP nurse was awesome. He was Filipino (I'm pretty sure that's what he said) and had a really cool accent. He told all kinds of stories about his family and his sister who has an inverted uterus and wasn't even trying to have kids because she didn't think she could and then BAM she had one, when she was 35. Kind of a miracle! I like hearing about miracles, someday I'll get to experience that.
So, now I'm home! We had some issues with the pharmacy yesterday though. The doctor wrote a script for some sleeping pills and tylenol 3. Unfortunately, the sleeping pills she prescribed were "kind of old" and Target didn't carry them, and they wouldn't be in until Monday! So, we got a new prescription rather than hunting it down at another pharmacy and getting it transfered over from Target. Not something I wanted to deal with RIGHT BEFORE a procedure like this. I swear, the pharmacist took forever and we were a few minutes late. It didn't matter though, because remember, they have ALL of my info in the system at the hospital. I'm looking forward to getting frequent patient miles or something from that place. Point of this story: the anesthetics wore off and I woke up every couple hours. Then, at 4, I woke up for good. Good morning world, at least I'll get to see the sunrise.
After our lovely trip to Tucson, it was time to make some tough choices. We called the doctor as soon as the office opened at 8:30 and they were originally going to schedule us at 2:15. Eric saw my eyes widen and said "well if you need us to come in sooner, just let us know and we'll be down there as soon as necessary." Amazingly enough, they were able to squeeze us in at 11 instead. Shocking. We got to the doctor and here were our choices: D&C or wait. Considering I've technically been "waiting" for 5 weeks (of course I had no idea) and NOTHING had come about, I wasn't too keen on the idea of waiting. Emotionally, knowing what's going on and just sitting around waiting for it to happen ... I would not have been able to function AT ALL until it did. So, we went with the surgery. A "simple" procedure that takes about 30 minutes. Plus, I got to sleep. Sleep is good. (I'm somehow trying to find the positive in all of this...). I hadn't been able to eat, or felt like drinking anything, so I didn't have to wait for the surgery. She got us in at 5:30, but we had to be there at 3:30. We went to my moms after and I got to watch everyone eat (but I didn't mind because I wasn't hungry anyway). My mom came with us to the hospital which I really appreciate a ton :) I love my mommy.
It's pathetic that the hospital already has my records... This was my third visit there since December. The prep wasn't bad. We got the sluggish CNA that was confused as heck as to what she was supposed to do. She made me pee in a cup... then when I got back to our room I hear "OH NO! We don't need her pee pee" Wow... thanks! Remember how I DIDN'T drink anything ALL DAY. Yeah... that was a special treat. I was a little worried to let her start my IV, but what was I gonna do. The RN was busy asking me questions and discovering that I'm healthy ... except for my uterus, but apparently that doesn't really count as a health issue. So many people asked if this was our first pregnancy, and so many people needed to be corrected when they said "so you have a baby at home" when we said "no it's our second." Knife, heart, twist, remove, pour salt. Thanks guys. Thanks. The sad part is, the first time we lost a baby, we found out in THEIR ER... you would think it would be in a record somewhere. Gosh I love hospitals and charts.... It's like they don't even matter. As long as they have the person and the procedure right, nothing else matters.
Anywho, the doctor was late, of course. So I talked to the anesthesiologist first. I don't remember what she said. Something about I'm going to sleep and I think I tuned it out from there. Then I heard "breathing tube" and "make sure you wake up" and I started to freak out maybe a little bit. Okay a lot. But I trust people, especially doctors. Our doctor finally showed up and we were "ready to roll." They gave me the anesthetics before they even wheeled me off! As we're rolling down the hall I was getting dizzy and trying to stay awake because I wanted to be able to remember stuff. But shoot, that stuff works really well. All I remember is some nice warm blankets around my legs (my feet were freezing, even with the socks) and getting monitors stuck on me. I vaguely recall getting moved to the other bed, but other than that I was OUT. Apparently I was so out, that they couldn't wake me up afterwards. They shook me good to get me to come to so they could make sure I was breathing on my own again and I was okay. The doctor asked Eric how well I slept the night before, that's how out of it I was. I slept for a good hour before the anesthesia really wore off. I could feel on my lip where they taped the breathing tube down, I kind of have a fat lip right there. Our Post-OP nurse was awesome. He was Filipino (I'm pretty sure that's what he said) and had a really cool accent. He told all kinds of stories about his family and his sister who has an inverted uterus and wasn't even trying to have kids because she didn't think she could and then BAM she had one, when she was 35. Kind of a miracle! I like hearing about miracles, someday I'll get to experience that.
So, now I'm home! We had some issues with the pharmacy yesterday though. The doctor wrote a script for some sleeping pills and tylenol 3. Unfortunately, the sleeping pills she prescribed were "kind of old" and Target didn't carry them, and they wouldn't be in until Monday! So, we got a new prescription rather than hunting it down at another pharmacy and getting it transfered over from Target. Not something I wanted to deal with RIGHT BEFORE a procedure like this. I swear, the pharmacist took forever and we were a few minutes late. It didn't matter though, because remember, they have ALL of my info in the system at the hospital. I'm looking forward to getting frequent patient miles or something from that place. Point of this story: the anesthetics wore off and I woke up every couple hours. Then, at 4, I woke up for good. Good morning world, at least I'll get to see the sunrise.
Friday, April 9, 2010
This here is what I call bull... you know what
We're here, at Hotel Congress, trying to take our minds off the heartbreaking news we got today about our second little angel. It's almost 1am and this town is just coming to life... Eric is on the bed sleeping, but I failed to bring Tylenol PM. I guess I somehow forgot that I wouldn't be able to get any sleep. I probably won't be able to get unaided sleep for weeks. At least, that's what happened last time we went through this.
For those of you who don't pay attention to your facebook/twitter/gossip around the workplace, we went to the doctor today rather than Monday. I woke up to the most ... frightening thing anyone who has been through this before could wake up to. It wasn't much. But the sight of it breaks you. You feel defeated. You feel like a failure. I still went in, having little hope that we would be getting positive news. Eric called the doctor for me because, let's face it, they wouldn't have been able to understand a word that was coming out of my mouth. I wasn't about to deal with "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" Our doctor wasn't in the office, but I didn't care. I needed to see someone, anyone, that could tell me something, anything. We got an appointment at 10:30. When we got there, they had some "prenatal care" paperwork they needed us to fill out. The whole time I was writing I thought to myself, "can they just have us do this later? I don't want to fill this all out just to have it thrown out..." I know, I'm such a little miss sunshine. But hell, I've been here before. I think you can cut me some slack.
The doctor tried. He tried really hard to find us a heartbeat. He tried to give us some hope. "I thought I heard it over here..." then "Well, rather than get frustrated with it, we might as well get you an ultrasound." I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. I had this feeling for weeks... Everyone told me to stop worrying. Nothing was wrong. Our baby was healthy. And they were right, if they said it within the first six weeks I was pregnant. The baby WAS healthy, then. Or maybe, it wasn't. Well, obviously it wasn't. We got squeezed in for an ultrasound.
"Wow, that bladder is full!" Big shock... I drank two bottles of water. Even though I peed 500 times to see if it was still happening, if it would clear up, if it was all in my head, my bladder was still full. I was forced to empty and then we got the "special" ultrasound. You know, the kind with the wand... The kind they SHOULDN'T have to use at 11 weeks. We heard nothing. We saw nothing. "Dr H said he would be in here... I thought he would be right behind me..." Then, he popped his head in. "Is that a fetal pole?" ... Did I really just hear him say fetal pole? Excuse me... "You're absolutely certain you're 11 weeks?" Yes pretty ultrasound technician, I'm a responsible adult who keeps track of things like this because I want to have a baby. I want to have a HEALTHY baby. I want to have a LIVING baby. So Yes, I'm sure. "Well, it's measuring 9 weeks." Crushed. All hope, lost. All hope was lost when I heard the words "fetal pole" come out of the doctors mouth. Our little angel was measuring at 6 weeks with a gestational sac that measured 9 weeks. No heartbeat. No flicker of hope.
So we were told to "come back tomorrow" and "discuss our options with our regular doctor." I personally liked this Dr H guy and would have been perfectly fine with discussing options right then and there. If I have anything to say about it, there WILL be testing. This is the second baby we have lost at 6 weeks. 2 losses in 4 months. Something is obviously wrong. We're young. We're healthy. What the hell is going on here? I need answers. I need solid, scientific, medical answers. Don't tell me any of this hopeful religious anything. I need an answer that I understand. I can't understand, at least right now, not today, why God would do this. Why does he keep taking babies? Why is the world so ass backwards? Why to crack heads and 16 year old girls get pregnant and bring home babies with ease? I don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me.
For those of you who don't pay attention to your facebook/twitter/gossip around the workplace, we went to the doctor today rather than Monday. I woke up to the most ... frightening thing anyone who has been through this before could wake up to. It wasn't much. But the sight of it breaks you. You feel defeated. You feel like a failure. I still went in, having little hope that we would be getting positive news. Eric called the doctor for me because, let's face it, they wouldn't have been able to understand a word that was coming out of my mouth. I wasn't about to deal with "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" Our doctor wasn't in the office, but I didn't care. I needed to see someone, anyone, that could tell me something, anything. We got an appointment at 10:30. When we got there, they had some "prenatal care" paperwork they needed us to fill out. The whole time I was writing I thought to myself, "can they just have us do this later? I don't want to fill this all out just to have it thrown out..." I know, I'm such a little miss sunshine. But hell, I've been here before. I think you can cut me some slack.
The doctor tried. He tried really hard to find us a heartbeat. He tried to give us some hope. "I thought I heard it over here..." then "Well, rather than get frustrated with it, we might as well get you an ultrasound." I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. I had this feeling for weeks... Everyone told me to stop worrying. Nothing was wrong. Our baby was healthy. And they were right, if they said it within the first six weeks I was pregnant. The baby WAS healthy, then. Or maybe, it wasn't. Well, obviously it wasn't. We got squeezed in for an ultrasound.
"Wow, that bladder is full!" Big shock... I drank two bottles of water. Even though I peed 500 times to see if it was still happening, if it would clear up, if it was all in my head, my bladder was still full. I was forced to empty and then we got the "special" ultrasound. You know, the kind with the wand... The kind they SHOULDN'T have to use at 11 weeks. We heard nothing. We saw nothing. "Dr H said he would be in here... I thought he would be right behind me..." Then, he popped his head in. "Is that a fetal pole?" ... Did I really just hear him say fetal pole? Excuse me... "You're absolutely certain you're 11 weeks?" Yes pretty ultrasound technician, I'm a responsible adult who keeps track of things like this because I want to have a baby. I want to have a HEALTHY baby. I want to have a LIVING baby. So Yes, I'm sure. "Well, it's measuring 9 weeks." Crushed. All hope, lost. All hope was lost when I heard the words "fetal pole" come out of the doctors mouth. Our little angel was measuring at 6 weeks with a gestational sac that measured 9 weeks. No heartbeat. No flicker of hope.
So we were told to "come back tomorrow" and "discuss our options with our regular doctor." I personally liked this Dr H guy and would have been perfectly fine with discussing options right then and there. If I have anything to say about it, there WILL be testing. This is the second baby we have lost at 6 weeks. 2 losses in 4 months. Something is obviously wrong. We're young. We're healthy. What the hell is going on here? I need answers. I need solid, scientific, medical answers. Don't tell me any of this hopeful religious anything. I need an answer that I understand. I can't understand, at least right now, not today, why God would do this. Why does he keep taking babies? Why is the world so ass backwards? Why to crack heads and 16 year old girls get pregnant and bring home babies with ease? I don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Because I Can...
Well, I'm supposed to be working on my sustainability project, but I just can't focus. I'm making this poster that shows water conditions in third world countries vs developed countries. Then I'm going to put a bunch of statistics and facts on it and a big thing that says "CLEAN WATER IS A HUMAN RIGHT" Hopefully I do alright on it... I really need to get an A in my Bio class... I started writing the paper and it's already half way done, and it's not even due until Thursday. We'll see. I think this week will go by quickly, at least until Friday. Tomorrow I have a test in Calc, my project is due as well. Then Wednesday night after work I have this thing for my english class and probably a bajillion hours worth of homework. Thursday is filled with class... then it will be Friday. Friday-Sunday are going to DRAG. Then, Monday is our next doctor's appointment. I am really hoping and praying that I'm just dumb and don't know how to use my doppler, or I just can't find our little one. I'm sort of (not really but sort of) freaked out that I have yet to hear a heartbeat. Come on Rex, be loud and proud on the 12th!
How far along? 10 weeks 5 days
Weight gain/loss: The scale should be here sometime this week. I don't really want to get on it
Maternity clothes? Nothing yet
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep? Not really... I wish
Best moment this week? Eric touching my belly for an extended period of time.
Movement: Nothing yet. The babe is still really small silly goose.
Food cravings: Anything that smells/sounds good... which is basically everything
Gender: No idea yet. We might get a little guess next week.
Belly button in or out? Still in.
What I miss? My hip bones. Where did they go?
What I am looking forward to? Next week. It can't come soon enough
Milestones: Made it to double digit weeks. My previous statement still stands, every day I am still pregnant is a milestone.
What I'm nervous about: Our appointment next week. Please be healthy little one.
How far along? 10 weeks 5 days
Weight gain/loss: The scale should be here sometime this week. I don't really want to get on it
Maternity clothes? Nothing yet
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep? Not really... I wish
Best moment this week? Eric touching my belly for an extended period of time.
Movement: Nothing yet. The babe is still really small silly goose.
Food cravings: Anything that smells/sounds good... which is basically everything
Gender: No idea yet. We might get a little guess next week.
Belly button in or out? Still in.
What I miss? My hip bones. Where did they go?
What I am looking forward to? Next week. It can't come soon enough
Milestones: Made it to double digit weeks. My previous statement still stands, every day I am still pregnant is a milestone.
What I'm nervous about: Our appointment next week. Please be healthy little one.
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